Recovering from an eating disorder was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I don’t even think there is a particularly close second?? There is a reason recovery rates for anorexia are generally estimated to be below 50% (and I would argue probably considerably lower, depending on one’s definition of “recovery”), and that it is the mental illness with the highest mortality rate. Not only is it a severe mental illness, but unlike other mental illnesses, the sufferer is literally physically starving themself to death as a result of the internal mental and biological processes gone astray. To make matters worse, the person generally doesn’t realize they are even sick (at least not initially or for a while), and the “anorexia brain” causes the person to not want to get better and to maintain the eating disorder at all costs (again, at least initially).

IT IS A TERRIBLE THING, LET ME TELL YOU! And I have tremendous compassion for anyone reading this post who is suffering or who knows someone who is.

From my own experience and considering the experiences of other people I have talked to or read from, the downward spiral into full-blown anorexia is usually very sharp and sudden. While I have a lot more insight now, when I broadly look back on my experience, it is like I was walking…walking…walking…going about my life, and then suddenly it was like I fell off a cliff and was helplessly consumed by this devastating thing in my mind I had no control over and didn’t even realize was there. Anorexia, from my experience, was like this out-of-body, dissociative experience of devastation taking place inside my mind with drastic physical consequences. While the downfall into anorexia is often sudden, the full climb out is long and challenging, taking a tremendous amount of motivation and perseverance.

However, I believe that full recovery is possible for anyone, no matter how serious the illness or how long it has been a problem in your life.

For today’s post, I wanted to highlight a few of the key things that come to mind when I think about what was helpful for my recovery journey. I hope this post is an encouragement to those in the midst of an eating disorder, helpful for loved ones who may be journeying alongside someone else, and interesting reading for those who are simply curious!

Reading blogs by other dietitians:

Aside from the many (many) doctors appointments my mom took me to over the years, my experience with recovery was overall pretty lonely and also largely individually driven. What helped me INCREDIBLY to feel much less alone in what I was going through was reading blogs written by other private practice RDs on disordered eating, eating disorder recovery, and intuitive eating. When you have anorexia, you essentially “forget” and need to relearn how to even eat. What does one even eat for lunch? How do you know how much to eat? How do you become flexible with food? Why does this seem so easy and natural for everyone else?? So many questions, uncertainties, and anxieties at the beginning! What once required little to no thought, eating now feels incredibly complicated and uncertain. Reading these blog posts each week helped me regain clarity on what “normal” eating looks like and how to move past disordered thinking and behaviors around food and exercise. The benefit I received from the work of these dietitians is largely what sparked my own desire to go into private practice for eating disorders! Check out some of my favorites blogs by Robyn, Alexis, and Kylie.

Utilizing the scale for feedback:

Once I had a lightbulb moment (praise the Lord) and realized that I had a serious problem that needed serious attention, I dove head on into recovery and wanting to gain weight as soon as possible (I can assure you, there were still many ups and downs to be had). I quickly found out that it was going to take a LOT of calories for me to gain weight after my body had been in a starvation state for so long. Upon beginning to eat more, the calories are generally going towards speeding up the body’s metabolism and getting things humming along again. This takes a LOT of energy, meaning that many many more calories are required to get the body to begin to gain weight on top of all that’s being burned for normalizing metabolic processes. I felt that stepping on the scale regularly during this time was helpful for me, because it provided feedback as to whether my efforts with weight gain were working or not. If the scale wasn’t moving forward, I knew I needed to continue getting creative in getting in even more calories. (Cue all the most calorically-dense foods one can find, pronto!)

Taking a break from formal exercise: 

This one is huge. And was also REALLY hard for me, because in some ways my addiction to and obsession with exercise was even more of a problem than the eating was. It was easier for me to start eating more and a lot harder to eventually step back from formal exercise. At the beginning of my recovery and weight gain journey, I found yoga, which was immensely helpful for restoring my connection between mind and body. As someone who is by nature quite competitive and tends to put a lot of pressure on myself to be “the best” at things, finding a form of movement where the pressure is OFF and I can simply enjoy the practice was very life-giving and refreshing. That being said, I began to get back into more exercise (running, lifting weights, etc.) throughout the end of high school and early college, despite still not having my period return, meaning my body was still not in a fully restored place physically. I fought tooth and nail internally against stopping this and in effect deceived myself for many years by thinking that my period would magically come back at some point despite more serious intervention. However, after 6 years of this I finally had had enough. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. If I was ever going to have kids like I one day dreamed, or be able to exercise without feeling a bit of guilt about it, or protect my bone health, I needed to do whatever it was going to take to get my body and hormones back on track. I didn’t know what this was going to look like or how long it would take, but I was committed to whatever it was going to take. This ended up meaning even more weight gain beyond what I ever would have thought was necessary and a yearlong break from structured exercise (only walks). While arguably even more challenging than the initial part of gaining weight back, breaking down the idol of control over exercise in my life was beyond worth it.

Reminding myself again and again that it is worth it:

In my opinion, one of the biggest keys to recovery from an eating disorder is gaining clarity on how it is so worth it. This is really tough, because like I mentioned above, the anorexia prevents the person from seeing that there is even a problem in the first place. I am a Christian and I think the only reason I gained any clarity into the reality of my illness is that God opened my eyes to see it. I am not exaggerating when I say that I woke up one day suddenly realizing I had a serious problem that needed serious attention. Once I realized that there was a problem, I was very motivated to work towards the future that the eating disorder was robbing me of. How was I ever going to pursue any of the dreams and goals I had for myself if I were to continue on with the eating disorder and starvation for years and decades to come? I needed to get my health back on track as soon as possible. I needed to root out and begin to heal from the mental and emotional chaos and struggles that were part of what led to the eating disorder in the first place. If I didn’t do this, I knew I would never have kids of my own and would spend the rest of my life in bondage to the eating disorder, without the ability to be present, to laugh, to be spontaneous, and to enjoy life like I once did and wanted to do going forward.

“When we feel like giving up, like we are beyond help, we must remember that we are never beyond hope. Holding on to hope has always motivated me to keep trying. I have found this hope by connecting with others. I’ve found it not only in individuals who have dealt with eating disorders but also in people who have battled addictions and those who have survived abuse, cancer, and broken hearts. I have found much-needed hope in my passions and dreams for the future. I’ve found it in prayer. Real hope combined with real actions has always pulled me through difficult times. Real hope combined with doing nothing has never pulled me through. In other words, sitting around and simply hoping that things will change won’t pick you up after a fall. Hope only gives you strength when you use it as a tool to move forward. Taking real action with a hopeful mind will pull you off the ground that eighth time and beyond.” // Jenni Schaefer in her book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me